Saturday, February 2, 2013

Not-So-Super Choice

As a lifelong, passionate Pittsburgh Steelers' fan, tomorrow's Super Bowl presents a terrible dilemma. Do I root for the hated Ravens to win and celebrate Ray Lewis' retirement party on the 50-yard line of the Superdome in front of millions? Or do I root for the 49ers, whose victory would tie them with the Steelers for most Super Bowl rings, and take away my go-to comeback for every Steeler taunt I've ever heard? It's a gut-wrenching, throat-gagging choice. I've been dreading this decision for two weeks, and I've finally decided to do what's best for yours truly. So, even though I love football and am hosting a youth group party at church, I'm going to skip the game altogether. Instead, I'm going to choose one of these options, all of which are preferable to the agony of watching this game, and worse--the specter of that too-painful post-game show. Here are some ideas I've come up with.

1. Try out that new liver and corn syrup recipe I got from Taste of Home.
2. Read War and Peace. In Russian. Backwards. Out Loud.
3. Take a cold shower, then sit on my chimney naked with some iced tea.
4. Ride the Metro with my plunger to see if I can find any public toilets that are clogged.
5. Try out my new staple gun on my forehead.
6. Mix some organic perfume from what I can find in the litter box.
7. Try to startle my dog with my face.
8. Shave my entire body with a cheese grater.
9. Download and listen to every Air Supply album ever made.
10. Join the Team Edward Fan Club.
11. Have a dance-off with Kids Bop 24.
12. Edit all the Nicki Minaj clips from American Idol into one video.
13. Start a Chihuahua collection.
14. Baste a camel.
15. Start training for a barefoot marathon.
16. Grind some glass and make a smoothie.
17. See how far I can get in my car wearing a blindfold.
18. Take the SAT practice test.
19. Watch highlights of all the Super Bowl halftime shows of the past 10 years.
20. Make some holiday garlands out of snakes.
21. Call the IRS just to make sure they haven't missed anything.
22. Smoke some used dryer sheets.
23. Walk to England.
24. Watch Mister Rogers Neighborhood: The Complete Collection.
25. Iron my back.

Those are just the first things that come to mind. If it wasn't for the small glimmer of joy I'm going to experience from being with good friends and chomping some tasty chicken wings at our party, I'd probably just sit at home and watch replays of Super Bowls IX, X, XIII, XIV, XL and XLIII. Someone, please take my iron before I hurt myself.